Just over a week to go!!!!!

So a few weeks have passed since the last entry! The taper began and the reduction in training hours has been a wonderful blessing. One would think that would mean more time to update the blog!!! But I've got to say I've been in a funny place lately and when that happens I always retreat a bit and take some time to think. 

       I've been thinking about how I'm nearing the end of this journey and I've been looking back on what it has meant to me. It's funny the way things fall into place. I was going for a run while my Dad was sick and an idea just popped in my mind to race an Ironman to raise money for a cure. I guess when faced with an incurable tumour the only hope I could see would be for research to move faster than the tumour! I told my Dad what my plan was - I think in such a helpless situation it was my way of trying to help. Shortly after my Dad passed away Damien came home and told me they just announced that a new Ironman was going to open in Mont Tremblant. I really felt like this is what I was meant to do. What I didn't realise is how much this process would help me grieve for my Dad. I think of where I was when I signed up for the race compared to where I am now and I really believe the training has gotten me here. 

       There is a lot of trauma when you see someone you love dying in front of you. At the time it's too much to process so it stays away somewhere deep within you. While riding my bike or going for a run these memories would surface again. Memories of my Dad's face when he realised his diagnosis, memories of  his frustration as he's trying to hold his grandkids with one good arm, memories of watching his erratic breathing knowing it was close to the end. When these thoughts would surface the pain was so intense and the only relief would be to bike harder or run harder. And when I gave it all I could there was a sense of peace that came after. 

     I think a natural process of grief is also guilt. It's human nature to somehow blame ourselves for everything - I know I do a good job of it as a mother. I've been thinking that maybe this race has also been a way for me to rid myself of guilt. Like I'm doing my penance for the person I wasn't. Did I miss out on too many years with my Dad while travelling and living in Australia? Was I my Dad's best advocate when he was misdiagnosed as having a stroke? Did I say the right words to him to comfort him when he needed them most? Did I let him know how much I love him and how much he meant to me? These are all things I've thought about while on my long training rides and runs. And on everyone of those training sessions I would see the odd butterfly fluttering past or the random motorcyclist driving past - like little reminders from my Dad that its all ok. And I'd go home with that sense of peace again. 

      So the reduction of training hours has been bittersweet. It reminds me that this will soon be over and I'm not sure what to expect when I don't have this race as my focus. But something happened this week that made me feel like I am in a better place. I was watching the Olympics, which I have been loving, and there was a story on trampolinist Rosie MacLennan. The story was about her relationship with her Grandfather, who had a huge impact on her career. She mentioned stories of when he would watch her compete and talks they would have together. The story had me in tears and at first I felt this sadness at the loss of that relationship in my own boy's lives. They will never know what kind of person my Dad was, the kind of love he was so full of, the strength and determination he showed, the kindness and laughter he always shared. But I realised that I had that with my Dad and because of that it has defined who I am as a person. My boys may not have their Grandpa to watch their games or to have meaningful talks about life with them because that is not our story. Our story will be different and it's up to me how it plays out. I need to be my Dad's legacy, I need to show my boys who my Dad was by living out who he made me to be. 

       So I want to race this race with the same determination and fight that my Dad showed when he was faced his biggest trial. I want to say at the end of the day - this is what Grandpa would've done. And my boys will know him through me. 

       This is what these past few weeks have been to me. Our coaches notes say that on race day take all your emotions and store them away, then use them in the last half of the marathon because it's not your head or your training that will get you through - it's your heart. 

Since these past few weeks haven't been so much about training I won't give a detailed training report. I'll sum it up here:

July 23- 29th - 15.5 hours training
July 30- Aug 5th - 10.5 hrs training

We are leaving Thursday August 16th and I will write an entry before we leave!! I'm hoping to keep it updated while we are away but I'll see what my internet access will be like!! I'll leave this entry with some photos of what kind of Grandpa my Dad was!! 

Tyler and my Dad

Josh and my Dad

My Dad and Andrew

My Dad and Tyler

My Dad with Joshua

3 Generations - My Grandpa, my Dad and all the grandsons

James and Tyler having fun with my Dad

Dad with Tyler and Ryan in the cubby house

My Dad and Ryan